TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Your cock deserves a montage
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
You ruined the universe
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
