i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
