This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
