I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
