The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Randomize
