you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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