Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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