I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
