I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
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