I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
