Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
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