i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Randomize
