Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
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