Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
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