My hand turned me down
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
One more sleep until playoffs, Canucks are back this year, you bet your ass I'm going to uphold the tradition of being the 90 lb girl that fights every hairy ass Bruins fan at BWW.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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