I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Randomize
