Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Randomize
