You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
