I am puke
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Randomize
