The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I came so hard my ears popped.
Randomize
