I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
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