i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
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