seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
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