I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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