My room smells like vodka and shame
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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