I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
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He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
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I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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