I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Randomize
