A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
