R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
