how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
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