my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
