Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
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