3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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