we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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