you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
Randomize
