You made me cry and you don't even care
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Randomize
