When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
