Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
