My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
My liver just broke up with me...
Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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