To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
