i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
