There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Randomize
