I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
