i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Swine flu is the new snow day.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Randomize
