what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
