Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
