So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
even my farts smell like vagina
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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