it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
