So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
I think my vagina is haunted
it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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