Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
