There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
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Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
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He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
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