Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Randomize
