she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
