Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
the day after is always just damage control
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
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