I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
