I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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