i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
