ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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