You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
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