I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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